I’m a 36 year old guy and have struggled with repression of my emotions and my masculinity since I was a child. I have a conscious fear of expressing personal power, asserting myself, or standing up for my own needs. Engaging in any kind of sexual activity causes an unconscious anxiety that results in muscle tension in my groin area, upper legs, and hips. Sometimes, it is so bad I actually have to limp.

My father was an alcoholic and my mother with a rage-a-holic. They divorced when I was about 6 years old. I suffered from nightmares almost every night featuring the Wicked Witch of the West until I was in my late teens. In some of these dreams the Witch had the face of my mother. In real life, my mom sounded like the Witch when she would yell at my sister and me.

In other recurring dreams my father or another powerful male figure would appear. In these dreams the father figured has been wounded by me in the past and is now actively trying to kill me. These dreams are the most terrifying and it seems that my death is inevitable. In one of the more memorable versions of this dream I was Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader had been wounded by me in a previous duel and was now coming after me to destroy me once and for all.

I’ve been aware of this guilt over my manhood and have worked on it in therapy for over 15 years and actually feel like my symptoms of repression, anxiety, and depression have only gotten worse. I’ve had five different therapists and worked with each for at least two years, before moving on. Five years ago I became depressed to the point of suicide contemplation so I went on depression medication. That had the desired effect of giving me hope and energy to go on, but in no way addressed the repression of my masculine self.

The bottom line is this: I feel guilty for being male. Whenever I assert my masculine side, it gives me anxiety. That is the problem I am trying to overcome. This problem is preventing me from reaching my potential in every part of my life.

Could my experience and symptoms be understood and treated within the framework of child abuse? If so, what books should I read to help me pursue healing under the direction of a therapist. I appreciate and suggestions you can give.