#306 - 07/05/10 10:22 AM
strange punishment, is it abuse?
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jeff56
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Registered: 07/05/10
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My 4 year old grandaughter informed me yesterday that when she is bad my daughter's live in boyfriend makes her sit in the time-out chair and makes her eat a dill pickle. She is not allowed to get off the chair until the pickle is gone. This sounds like no big deal except that my grandaughter HATES dill pickles. When I asked what her mother does when this happens she said that mommy says "sit there and eat your pickle".
There have been other things that happen that I am not happy with but this one I thought really crossed the line. Am I over reacting?
Any comments? Any suggestions?
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#312 - 07/13/10 07:10 PM
Re: strange punishment, is it abuse?
[Re: jeff56]
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Moderator 6
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It is not clear from your posting: 1. whether your daughter's actions were motivated by a desire to provide parental guidance or was given out of anger or through coercive force, 2. what behavior is specifically being corrected by this disciplinary method, 3. whether at age 4, your granddaughter is developmentally able to learn the behavior being corrected for and 4. whether this fits into a broader pattern of ongoing abusive behavior. Therefore it is hard to say without more information whether having your granddaughter eat a dill pickle would be considered abusive.
Would your daughter be willing to consider whether alternative positive reinforcements (e.g. a hug or a trip to the park) might be provided and whether age appropriate behavioral goals have been clearly communicated to our granddaughter? If there is conflict, sometimes pointing out positives in the daughter/granddaughter relationship might help to de-escalate the struggle.
You said that there have been other things that have been done to your granddaughter that worried you. If any of these actions endanger the child, please take the appropriate measure and seek out help to protect your grandchild.
Finally, we have a facilitated parenting support group which we'd like to invite your daughter to attend.
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#316 - 07/19/10 08:29 AM
Re: strange punishment, is it abuse?
[Re: Moderator 6]
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jeff56
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I believe that my daughters actions are a result of anger, not an effort to provide parental guidance. That would mean she was more interested in her daughters well being rather than whatever is going on presently in her own world.
My granddaughter is very strong willed(the apple doesn't fall far from the tree) and can be stubborn and argumentive. This is typically the behavior being addressed. Punishment used to be a time out, appearently this was not effective and was escallated to include the pickle. My fear is what will eventually replace the pickle.
I have not seen anything that would truely endanger the health or well being of the child. Mostly verbal and emotional abuse.
I wish my daughter would be open for parenting help, be it a support group or just stepping back and accepting some good old fashioned advice from family and friends, but when ever anyone approches her she just gets angry and defensive.
Edited by jeff56 (07/19/10 08:31 AM)
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#337 - 08/09/10 12:15 AM
Re: strange punishment, is it abuse?
[Re: jeff56]
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Moderator 9
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Jeff56:
Your granddaughter and daughter are lucky to have you looking after their safety and emotional well being. Sometimes the same message may be received better if it's coming from a different person or if it's said in a different way. It's also possible that your daughter is going through the growing pains of becoming an effective parent. Some people learn better by making a few mistakes of their own - something to consider as long as the child is not hurt in the process. Although you stated that you did not believe the child was physically hurt, it's worth noting that emotional abuse can sometimes create longer lasting scars to children. If there is any doubt as to whether a specific act constitutes abuse, one way to find out is by calling your local Child Protective Service agency anonymously. Thank you for posting.
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