nastygirl
New Member
Registered: 10/25/09
Posts: 8
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I look in the mirror and see a girl
Who is staring back at me.
I don't know who she is
Because she's not the girl I wana be.
She puts a smile on
While inside she is falling apart.
She says, "I'm okay",
As pain fills her heart.
She pretends not to care
As everyone slowly walks away.
She hides behind her mask
And pretends to be okay.
She is scared to open up
And call someone her best friend.
They all turn out the same
And never really care in the end.
She is scared to let people close
It always ends up as heartache.
She decides to trust someone
But it always ends up as a big mistake.
She tries the best she can
But it always seems to be wrong.
She freezes up at the word "love"
People throw it around too much.
Her muscles constrict
As she is afraid to be touched.
She has ideas for the future
Hopes and dreams of her own.
But she doesn't hold her breath
Because disappointment is all she has ever known.
I was born into a very violent home with an alcoholic father and depressed unreachable mother. My mom threatened to leave my father and they fought over furniture and he brought the chainsaw in the house and cut the table in half and was going to cut all the furniture in half until my neighbour stopped him. i really taught he was going to cut my mom. I stil ahve nightmares about chainsaws sometimes. Once we left i think my mother must of blamed me for her broken marriage or something. She started abusing me emotionaly and physically. She also turned a blind eye to the sexual abuse I recieved by her uncle we were living with. My siblings where not treated the same way though. I was the bad one, I was the trouble, I was the one who was "just like my father" I think she needed to release the hate that she had built up from the mistreatment by my father and I was a safe release. She has imporved but still becomes very bitter at times and I still take the blunt of her outburts. I only ever wanted to be good enough and always hoped she would love me and if I could just change, be better, try harder, do more, maybe just maybe she would love me a little. I longed for love and still do. After my mothers rages of hate towards me my uncle would always come to me and love me, but then he always sexual abused me. No that he is older and I also, I still long for his love too and I miss it. I hate myself so very much for this. He still wants the sex stuff though. I can not be that person for him anymore because I die more amd more each time. But I also die more and more as time passes without any sort of love or care from anyone. A year ago I found a support group and I found the caring that I have longed for since infancy. Recently I have been banned from this place because I was not healing right. I had a therapist and she quit to go somewhere eles and then I had another one and I was asked to leave becuse I could not make myself go there. I am too scared to reach out again. I have no reason I am so horrible and I hate myself so deeply. Not a sould cares about my exsistence. I am a waste of air. I need to get my support group back. I need to I need to I need too.
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